Self Distraction in the ER

I don’t know what I imagined for my life. I can tell you it was never the happily ever after. I guess growing up I always imagined my end. I never thought I would live to see forty and maybe this post is premature because my birthday is a few months out but honestly I have never felt more alive, more optimistic, more hopeful to see tomorrow. Tomorrow in its due time thought because I am a firm believer in living in the moment, and not to sweat the small stuff. 

Tonight I sit in this emergency room next to my love reflecting. I’m no stranger to the ER. With three boys it’s a wonder they don’t know me by name or my picture isn’t hanging in the Hall of Parents who Endure. I’m thankful that those testosterone filled humans of mine have survived childhood with all the pieces they started with. I never imagined that I would be here again, in the ER, the caretaker because I never imagined caring enough for another person to want to be here. Well never until her. 

Seeing her pass out without notice losing our moments no matter how insignificant they  are is scary. Watching those moments in slow motion as she falls in front of the shopping cart in a local store while shopping for wedding invitations is horrifying. Having your children witness one of these moments is disheartening. I want her to be whole, to be healthy, to maintain our moments without lapses of time because she is what matters. 

I wouldn’t say she completes me because then that means I wasn’t whole to begin with and if something went awfully awry I wouldn’t be whole if she left me but she definitely compliments me. She calms my inner storms, helps me keep my crazy in check. She is my ultimate cheerleader and emotional bodyguard. The universe looked within my soul recognized what I lacked, what I yearned for and sent her to me. 

I’m writing this post as a distraction. Trying to calm myself while my love is poked, prodded, scanned and x-rayed. She has been down this road before where the end result is nothing. The medical scientists render her healthy because they can’t find anything, the tests are always inconclusive. I just want them to find the problem and direct us on how to remedy the issue. 

We have big plans this year. The big day to say “I do” plus the honeymoon to begin our lifetime together.  We’ve got a happily ever after to live, experience and enjoy together.  

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