Tag Archives: Broken heart

Again

My head is spinning and I feel sick. Why didn’t stay right next to her after she asked? “Baby? Baby? Are you okay?”

I have been here before, lifting her up off the ground but each time it happens my heart breaks just a little deeper and I feel like I am losing years off my existence. Honestly, I feel like each time this happens I am losing her, like one of these times she’s not going to answer when I ask if she’s okay and this time is no exception.

Seeing her on the ground face-down, unconscious, unresponsive. She’s taking too long to respond. “Babe, can you hear me?” All I can think is the next time I won’t browse at the end of the aisle, I’ll stand right by her side. The next time…why does there have to be a next time?

She just nods. Why isn’t she talking? Is she trying to gain composure and hold back tears in front of these little girls? Or is she confused and can’t speak? I can’t read her eyes. They are glassy and clear but filled with fog. I have no idea what to say, what to do. “Do you want to sit for minute?”

If this thing that happens had a name. If someone could just label this condition, prescribe some medication or give us a plan of action. I don’t know what to do. I try to remain calm. What should I do? I always suggest, no push for going to the hospital. I know that when I do I usually face resistance, an argument, a debate if you will about the point of going. Why should she go if the never have an answer? Why should she go if the only thing they are going to say is to not drive? I understand her frustration but how else do we break this cycle? “Come on, let’s go.”

I see her frustration at the lack of concern by the emergency room staff. I see the frustration build to anger because she feels like she hasn’t been heard. I witness the anger purge in her tears. I keep my anger to myself. I remain silent. I can’t put words to what I’m feeling. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I’m tired. I’m scared.

I want answers just as much as she does. I’ve listened to all the doctors say “I have no idea. It’s not a neurological problem. It’s not a cardiac problem. We have ran all the test and everything seems normal.” Let me be the first, or the second, to tell you that falling out at the drop of a hat without warning is not ‘normal’. Picking your wife up off the floor of a major grocery chain is not normal.

Days like these are beyond frustrating, they are life altering. I have grown by leaps and bounds over the past 5 years and it wasn’t easy. I have torn down walls and opened doors. I have focused on goals and planted seeds. I have blended my world into a mixture that I am happy to call home. She has been an accelerant to my growth and for that I love her but it’s not the only reason. After a day like today I want to put life on pause, focus on her because life without her would just be existing.

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Irritated and Fuming

Readers: please do not take offense to the following letter. If this doesn’t apply to you please pass it along to someone else who may benefit from it. Thank you.

Dear Bible-toting Church-goer,

I have attempted to let bygones be bygones but the insomnia is getting the best of me. I would like to thank you for thoroughly ruining my night. I was invited by your daughter and her now husband, to take part in a significant moment in the beginning of their lives together. Two people who know who I am and accepts me fully. At no time did I ever infringe on anyone else enjoyment. Knowing that this event was attended by many other religious zealous folks like yourself and out of respect for the bride and groom I made sure as to not make any moves that would directly offend anyone. But somehow you did not seem to abide by your own commandments, “do unto others…” You found it necessary to interrupt me from enjoying a dance with my girlfriend. Mind you, we were not taking part in any bumping and grinding or the latest fad of twerking, just a simple slow dance celebrating a union of family and friends.

I want you to be fully knowledgeable about the circumstances surrounding this dance. Many other members of the family, your family, my family…our family had asked and prodded repeatedly that we, my girlfriend and I, take to the dance floor and each time we smiled and declined. We did not decline because we were not in the dancing mood. We declined as to not raise any eyebrows or cause any kind of ruckus. So you can see my alarm when you approached us as we swayed in the back of the room. You see I had taken inventory of the remaining attendees and by all calculations the majority of people left were family, mind you there were very few people left. We did not make our way to center stage, you know the dance floor, in front of everyone to parley. No we were in the back corner, next to our table, talking and swaying when you decided to approach.

I was a little confused by your smile and friendly approach because what you proceeded to say was not only offensive but rude. “Hey, I understand but could ya’ll wait to do that when everyone has left.” This statement enrages me just writing it. There are so many things wrong with it. First, what makes you think that we would want to stick around and be the last couple standing? And why would we wait? Are we hiding? Are we not allowed to dance? Second, what is ‘that’? Dancing? Really? Third, why are you watching us back here in this corner and not engaging in some meaningful conversation among your own tablemates. Cousin, there were so many ways to respond to that comment. Many of which would not have left a good taste in my mouth or on my conscious. So we departed with respect for the newlyweds.

Here is my advice to you. Don’t say you understand, because you don’t. If you feel like because you are footing the bill you can state the rules then all parties involved need to know where you stand. Maybe next time have your daughter include on her wedding invites that same gender loving couples must abide by the second set of rules included, and by all means include a listing of the sgl do’s and don’ts. From this moment on consider us acquaintances, no need for us to pretend like we see eye-to-eye, because we don’t. I will consider you naïve and judgmental with no hope of changing. I will not let you interfere with my love – my love for my family or for my life. Lastly, please understand that I am not a second class citizen and will not let you attempt to reduce me to as much.

Expressively irritated and less fuming,
Me